Saturday, July 24, 2010

July 22 One year later

 I wrote this July 22, 2010 but procrastinated posting it until now...
 It goes without saying that today is an emotional day. In a way, I relive the shock of Gunnar's death. Grief memories and gratitude intertwine and overlap. With that in mind, I wrote this letter to Gunnar.

 Dear Gunnar, I miss you son.  Such a huge part of my world is gone. As I sit and write, I cry and smile at the same time.  I cry because missing you hurts. the grief is understandably fresh, so I cut myself some slack. I hear your reasuring voice, "It's OK Mom, you'll be alright." I smile as I remember all the laughter we shared.  I love our time sitting on the couch watching "B" science fiction movies, making fun of the dialogue and the meager special effects that accompany such endeavors.  I never minded you coming home late at night and stopping by my door and saying, "Mom, guess what happened." It seems your best thoughts came to you between the hours of 12:00AM and 1:30AM.  The list  is endless, son.
 Your friends have shared many stories about you with me this past year. I have listened with a heart full of satisfaction.
I am reminded of Dietrich Bonhoeffer's words,
" Nothing will fill the gap when we are away from those we love, and it would be wrong to try and find anything. We must simply hold out and win through. That sounds very hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, since leaving the gap unfilled preserves the bond between us. It is nonsense to say the God fills the gap: He does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that our communion with another may be kept alive, even at the cost of pain."
 While I live with a "grand canyon size Gunnar and Hayden gap"-----I would not trade. This is what I mean son, if I had the opportunity to live my life again and the choice to have a life free of grief --I would choose to live life just like it was handed to me. I would not opt out of motherhood-- being your  and Hayden's mom is my most cherished privilege. I love you Gunnar. Your life continues to inspire many.


  1. MANY, and I am privileged to be one of those. Such a beautiful young man, inside and out, and those photos show it. I miss your beautiful son, and if I do, I know that my missing is NOTHING compared with the "Grand-Canyon-sized" missing that you feel. You are the one blessed to know those two boys as NO ONE else does, except God. You knew them first, best, deepest and longest. You are their MOTHER, and no one can take that from you. I salute you - you have done beautifully - and I love you. xoxo

  2. It is true that he inspires many. Yesterday i planted some calla lillies, i almost didn't buy them because they were kind of pricey, but then I thought of Gunnar...and then i had to do it! Thank you for being so transparent about the supermassive black hole (grand canyon) that will aways be part of your life. The beauty of your son character inspires me and my family to honor him with a life of character.
    So very very proud of you!