Thursday, March 29, 2012

 What follows are a few thoughts I wrote three years ago. I shared them with a friend, who cried and said, “This is sad. How do you answer these thoughts? How do escape?” I have let them sit unanswered until now. First read below and then I will share the antidote to the dance.

Beware what you allow to define you ---I have a habit, a habit I call “My daily dance with my demons.” It goes like this: my thoughts are drawn to every mistake I can remember. I relive sins of omission as well commission I parade every one of them out; every mean word; every harsh look each mistake stands together and condemns me—reminding me of my dark side— Each is still as potent as the day I made the choice. Like a firing squad, each takes aim and empties its contents. After their ammunition is spent, the triplets enter: Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda: My efforts to overcome the triplets’ accusations are futile. They pummel my defense in short order. “ You could have been a better, Mother, you should have finished college sooner. Their condemnation is crisp, concise and complete.  At this point, the weight of self-loathing and judgment are more than I can bear. My feet cannot keep up with my partner. I crawl into a corner for relief; only I have unwittingly trapped myself to face the full measure of the final player in this demonic dance,                                                 
“If Only” strolls out in all its maniacal majesty. A cold breath delivers accusations with poisoned precision­---If only you were a better person, if only you were skinner, younger, smarter, and kinder—the list is endless. “If only” never runs out of words.
I lay defeated, exhausted and self-absorbed, trying to come up with an answer.
I think I have---at least it makes sense to my thinking.
Even if everything my “Dance partner” whispers in my ear as tango across the floor, it is not the whole story and it no longer my lead foot. I take control of the direction of the dance and remind myself.
I am human
Not everyday is a five star day
Worry is a waste of time
Looking for a job is scary, but I trust I will secure employment.
The sun comes up and with it hope.


  1. How brave you are to face these thoughts - how brave to record them. You are not alone; you are human, and you have much company in these memories and this dance.
    You are a woman of valor, of passion, of spirit, of love. You are needed in this world, and I have faith and hope that you will be fully employed when you are ready. xoxo

  2. I just discovered your blog today. My son died nine weeks ago and I am now in the grip of the blackest pain and anguish.
    I have been searching for blogs by bereaved parents, as only people who have experienced this searing anguish can truly understand each other.
    I've been gathering all of my online reading into one place and I've added your blog.
    I will continue to read your writings.

  3. I forgot to share the site, so you can read other blogs and sites as well...

  4. I hope that you will continue to blog. Your writing helps me and I'm sure that it helps others.